If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
