Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
