I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
