i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
