I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
