so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
