His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
