Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
