Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
