Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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