My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
