CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
