The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Success! We fucked roommates!
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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