somebody snuck up and got me drunk
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
