Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
