she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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