we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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