We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
