i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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