glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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