The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
