I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Acid is not a monday night drug
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
