Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We are all done wearing pants today
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
