watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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