I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
