I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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