new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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