I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
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