Pregnant stripper...not hot.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
