sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
