She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
