The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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