Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
