it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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