you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
