Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
