I am puke
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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