I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
