There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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