I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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