Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
