just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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