Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
