So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
