His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
So vagazzling was a success
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
