wakey wakey hands off snakey
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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