do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
