You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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