So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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