there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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