dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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